it's not about you
Yesterday, I wrote about my frustration and hurt with a coworker who gave me unsolicited feedback about my work. After processing it with my partner and writing about it on this blog, I was reminded of a valuable lesson I've learned in therapy: what others say or think about me is not about me.
As one of our greatest living thinkers, RuPaul, says:
What other people think of me is none of my business
— RuPaul (@RuPaul) March 2, 2011
It's an interesting thought experiment to apply this idea to literally any interaction. For example, this idea really landed with me during one of my therapy sessions. That session, my therapist had two cute barrettes in her hair. When I saw her at the beginning of the session, I complimented her on her barrettes.
Later in that session, I can't recall exactly what situation I was processing, but I am certain it was similar to my recent situation with my coworker -- I was getting stuck on what someone's comment about me meant.
She introduced the idea that what others say about me is not actually about me, it's about them. She then referenced my compliment on her barrettes: My compliment to her was not about her; it was about me. about my appreciations of style, my desire to be effusive, my good mood.
Any time we interact with the world around us, it's in relation to our experience, our thoughts, our motives.
When my coworker made that off-hand comment about my work... that wasn't about me. It was about her. What specific reason she felt the need to communicate that is not for me to know. It's none of my business! Even though her comment was directed at me, it wasn't about me.
As someone who identifies as a recovering people pleaser/codependent, I find this idea to be radically liberating. It's not about me. It's never about me.